• ManGod is out the picture.  He’s getting serious with his girlfriend, and they’re planning on moving to a new city together, assuming he gets a new job.  Bless.  I’m still a little bitter, but you can’t win them all.
• Indie is still my paramour, and when I get back I am going round to his like a shot, because we do like each other.  I have a little hope for me and him, and we’ll see what happens.  Until then, we’ll be emailing as often as we can, and our emails will probably be porny at best.
• Withnail… alternates between wanting to start up a ‘fuck buddy’ relationship again, and insisting he wants me as a friend when I get back.  I will keep in contact with him, but in all fairness I can’t deal with the hot and cold coming from him. If he behaves himself, i’m happy to be close friends again.
• Lightup guy is getting married, and when his fiancee lets him off the leash for ten minutes he stares at my tits.  *sigh*.
• Scene Vet… is happy to sleep with me any time, as it turns out. Hooray?  Though he’s been getting lazy recently, and I disapprove.

A year is a long long time, especially in my action-packed love life.  All of these people might be out the picture by then, and a whole new lot might be in place.  Or maybe just one person.  Or no one! Who knows!?! that’s why it’s exciting.

Adios, crappy men!

I went to visit a friend on the other side of town and got the night bus back.  At the bus stop I sat down, very drunkenly, next to a superhot man wearing all black.  It’s been a long long time since I had a cigarette, so I violated the rules of etiquette and asked him for one.  As im smoking it, he comes out with:

‘God, I hate my job! I want to jack it in!’

Being an understanding sort, I asked him about it.  Turns out he’s a doorman.  We get chatting on the bus ride home, and he asks for my number.

What.

Stuff like that doesn’t happen to fat, nerdy DJ chicks.   I’m so on a roll

I finally quit my crap day job! Hooray!  On my last day of work I was ecstatic, and I did my hair and makeup nicely.  This, as it turns out, was a very good call, for who should be my first customer of the day but…. Scene Veteran!

(Recap: Scene Vet was a one night stand I had in august, who I met through work.  He never called, and I’ve spoken to him maybe twice in the ensuing six months)

Turns out, Scene Vet had quit his job too, and was moving to a place fairly close to where my parents live to make his fortune.   We had a little chat and a hug.  An hour later he comes back in, and asks me if I want to go for a drink after my shift to celebrate.  He buys me dinner and many drinks, and we have a lovely time.  I remember why I fancied him six months ago.   He suggests we meet up when I move back home, and sure enough I get a text through asking to go for a drink.

Plans fall through, and rather than a drink we end up meeting for lunch.  At his flat.  Only, we don’t get as far as making food, owing to how there was a lot of hot sex going on.   This is a man who KNOWS how to make a girl feel like a million dollars, and considering I’ve been stressed over moving this was exactly what I needed.  Smiling… flirting… it almost felt like a normal human interaction, which I haven’t had for a while.

He suggested we ‘meet’ again before I move house again.  I want to,  but casual sex and sluttiness is BAD.  We have managed to meet up with clothes on before, so maybe aiming for that is a good compromise? Who knows what may happen!

Earlier in the day, Withnail had showed me a text (while I was very drunk) from the woman he loves, which I didn’t really respond to because I didn’t really have the mental faculties to understand it.  While at my mate’s party, he decided he was going to call me up on this…. by publicly laying into me about my behaviour.  He spent close to 45 minutes out side the party shouting at me, telling me I was selfish, uncaring, cold and obnoxious.  I was hugely upset, chainsmoking in the street in some estate in the middle of nowhere.   He said he didn’t want to see me again, and left me standing in the street outside his house after we shared a cab back.

What.  I have no idea where this came from.  Which is probably what a self centred, cold person would say.

I sort of broke down and couldn’t move, because I was so drunk and distraught, so I just sat there for 45 minutes.   After 45 minutes Withnail came outside and asked me to come in.  I was very cold, and he seemed sorry for what he said so he made me a cup of tea and gave me a hug.

THEN WE HAD SEX.

I do not understand this.

The next day I crawled into work, and got through the day somehow.  Withnail picked me up, and it was very awkward.

THEN WE HAD SEX AGAIN.

If anyone can explain what just happened, please let me know!

Turns out, he isn’t dating a teenage bimbo with big tits.  He’s dating a 22 year old masters graduate goth who always wears corsets, and is flaky until you get to know her.  He is, in fact, dating one of my good friends. They are very happy together, and keeping it under wraps until his ex moves out.

Fuck.  My. Life.

I kept it together until it was an appropriate time to leave, then I just started crying and crying.  For two hours.  I went round to Withnail’s, had more booze and hugs, then very platonically slept in his bed.

Well, no wonder he’s dating her, to be honest.  She’s a size six with high cheekbones and a whimsical sense of humour.  She blogs online about her very middle class traumas and she’s all cute and petite.  Who wouldnt have that rather than size 16 loud and erratic DJ?

It’s more….I properly have to accept now that he’ll never be interested in me.  And the fact I’ve been in love with him, on and off, for around a year counts for nothing.   He is, in my mind, the perfect guy, and part of me thinks the reason I haven’t found anyone is cos no one can ever measure him to him.  Fuck.  So now what do I do? wait until they break up, if they breakup? Tell him how I feel? Cut him out?  Fuck.

Later that day my DJ manager (‘The Boss’) comes into work to find me to talk about a possible booking. We have a good working relationship and quite a lot of banter.   He looked really tired when I saw him, so I gave him a hug.  Later that day, people from work start giving me looks, and someone eventually comes up to me and asks ‘is that who you went on a date with on monday?’.

What.

Oh God no.

If I say no, people will think ‘she doth protest too much!’.  If I say yes, people will start gossiping every time I speak to him.  I’ve stayed silent.  I would like to point out that the Boss is significantly older than me, and while being a lovely person and an inspiration in terms of professionalism, my above comment of ‘God NO’ says it all.

I have a second date lined up with the new guy (not enough of a character to get a nickname yet!), and everyone at work is now under the impression I’m seeing my boss.  FFS.

I ended up pulling a dude and taking him back to mine a few weeks ago, and we were both horrifically drunk and random.  We finish having some sex, and while still on top of me AND INSIDE ME he comes out with:

‘Well, this’ll get you ready for China.  Everyone’s crap in bed in China.’

Just….. what…….

Good points of the date

1. The guy was into me.  This is not always assumed!
2. He had a good taste in music, illustrated by anecdotes using the words ‘when I was on the warped tour…’
3. He had a good taste in books, tho he had never heard of Chuck Palaniuk.
4. He was a nice person (a social worker even!)

Bad points of the date

1. He was really fat.  Ok, this hypocritical and shallow, especially since I’m a fatty myself.  But when it makes you ponder how sex would even logistically happen, then its a bit much.
2. He was 45 minutes late, and I like punctuality.
3. He thought he was smarter than he was.
4. He thought arts degrees were a doss. (‘yeah, I did my course cos it looked easy.  Guess you thought the same!’)

So, after the first date, he wanted to meet up again.    I faced a dilemma… he wanted to date me.  I am horrifically lonely.  I could use him for company. While I am a bitch, I just couldnt do it.  I couldnt date someone just to ease the loneliness.  See, I do have standards!

Back to square one!

1. I like a guy
2. He likes me, then changes his mind / never liked me to start with.
3. We have sex.
4. He says ‘I’m not comfortable having sex / hanging around with you / being in a mile radius of you if I think you like me, because it would make me a dick if you did and then I used you.  So, do you like me?’
5. I say ‘no.  course not. as if!’.  I am not a very good actress, so I dont think this is convincing.
6. We have more sex / hang out together.
7. I do something nice for them, like offer to lend money etc.  Y’know, friend stuff.
8. The guy runs a mile: ‘Whoa, you’re doing that because you like me!  I have to go now and never come back!’
9. I say ‘no.  course not. as if!’.
10. We have more sex / hang out together.

And thus the cycle continues.  I inadvertently told Withnail I still liked him, and the whole ‘seeing me every day’ thing was somewhat giving me hope.  He promptly told me he was in love with one of his ex’s, a delightfully wholesome girl who knits and works for the national trust.  He then dropped me like a stone.  However, after me being cold, distant and abusive for a bit, he now wants an evening together followed by sex.  *sigh*  I can’t win!

Well, not hooray.  As mentioned before, he was drunk, and being an educated and witty chap, wanted to talk dirty to me throughout and charm me with his words.  A delightful and admirable quality, certainly, but slurred by drink he did come out with a few gems, such as:

‘you feel really nice!’

‘You’re so good at giving he . . he . . . he, errrrrrrr, sucking!’

‘I have a very erect penis right now’

And, my favourite:

‘I’m a crap lover.  I bet i’m the worst lover you ever had.  No? well, im so in the bottom three’ (said while actually having sex with me)

Wow.  Drunk preppy boys are so good at pillow talk even I cant believe it.  yeah.  I nearly came out with ‘Just SHUT UP AND GET ON WITH IT’, but thats not classy.  That reaction is where the serious point comes in, though.  I slept with this dude before, a long time ago.  Back then, I woke up the next day upset and used, and half considering this guy to be some kind of demigod thanks to a postcoital haze.  This time, I woke up vaguely annoyed a little sore and cold.  Is it that he used to be great and just lost his touch?  Probably not.  It’s me thats changed.

I’ll be the first to admit, 2009 wasnt my year.  This time a year ago I was just discovering casual sex, and hating it.  Why are they just using me?  why so I want to cry afterwards?  Now, while I still get a little mopey after, it’s more ‘meh’.  I might just be used to it, in all fairness, since it’s been a long time since I slept with someone I loved (ManGod not included).  Or, alternatively, I might just have ridiculously high standards.  I’ve been with some AMAZING people, and mediocre or lazy lovers are not appreciated.  I didnt like my reaction then, but I hate my reaction now.  I feel like a callous, heartless bitch as opposed to a belle du jour character.  I’d much rather be with someone who loves me though . . . but I think I’ve just accepted when that cant happen, I’ll accept a bloody good shag.